Quotes & Jokes by Jeff Foxworthy / page 24

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."

You might be a redneck if you have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

You might be a redneck if you have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

You might be a redneck if you've totaled every car you've ever owned.

You might be a redneck if... your child's first words are 'Attention K-Mart shoppers!'

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

You might be a redneck if you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When she is in a good mood it turns blue, but when she is in a bad mood there is a red mark across my forehead.

You might be a redneck if you have a rag for a gas cap on a car that does run.

You might be a redneck if your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.