Quotes & Jokes by Jeff Foxworthy / page 5
I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.
The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'
You might be a redneck if directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
For a long time, because it goes against the message that the advertising world sends to you, they were ashamed they didn't have the coolest clothes, the coolest cars, couldn't afford to go here, buy this and do that. I think we finally all got together and went, 'You know what? We like being this way.'
A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic - bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta - the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.
You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.
Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates.
You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.
You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.