Quotes & Jokes by Jerry Seinfeld / page 5
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.
The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit... I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P. A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh... Oh, God this is so embarrassing... I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.
You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'
I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.