Quotes & Jokes by Jerry Seinfeld / page 5
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit... I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P. A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh... Oh, God this is so embarrassing... I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.
I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.
They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They're always having picnics. There's always a tree, a pond... Who are these people? I don't know them. I don't want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? "Here's another couple having a better relationship than us."
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.