Quotes & Jokes by Jerry Seinfeld / page 6

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

I don't wanna be a Pirate!

See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you are superman.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Festivus for the Restivus!

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.