Quotes & Jokes by Jerry Seinfeld / page 6

Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.

If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

Men want to make women happy.

My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.