Quotes & Jokes by Jim Norton

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future

I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. “You little fat-titted mediocre failure!” You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year’s Eve.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

I don't pull out because...it's not my problem.

They don’t tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.