Quotes & Jokes by Jim Norton / page 2

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn’t hit her.

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

On why porn stars cant act: "I wanna know the correlation between an uncle's finger and bad acting"

You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.