Quotes & Jokes by Jim Norton / page 2

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn’t hit her.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

On why porn stars cant act: "I wanna know the correlation between an uncle's finger and bad acting"

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.