Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 11
Grandchildren can be fucking annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.
Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: "You're not my wife!" Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: "What would he tip?" Another guy said: "I want you to meet my family," and took me to the cemetery.
Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.