Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 10

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

Never floss with a stranger.

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

I want them to know I don't think I'm wonderful, or better than they are. Part of comedy is saying: 'I am you and you are me, and we're all feeling the same thing.'

Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I am furious about everything.

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

Victoria Beckham should get a life, I am not a fan of outrageous consumption. I think it is vulgar. And no-one should flaunt that they have a hundred Hermes $12,000 bags. Not when people are starving. Everyone should be allowed to have a great time but she shows a distinct lack of class.