Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 10

Every television show you go on is a choice.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

Never floss with a stranger.

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: "You're not my wife!" Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: "What would he tip?" Another guy said: "I want you to meet my family," and took me to the cemetery.

I want them to know I don't think I'm wonderful, or better than they are. Part of comedy is saying: 'I am you and you are me, and we're all feeling the same thing.'

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

I am furious about everything.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.