Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 3

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

I hate the term 'partner.' 'Yes, we're partners... This is my life partner, Teddy.' Jacoby & Meyers are partners. Ben & Jerry are partners. Bausch + Lomb are partners. You and Teddy are fuck-buddies.

Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it to be true.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

My parents just didn't like me. Till I was 9, my mother was trying to get an abortion. That sticks with you. That hurts. She said to her doctor, 'Is there any possible way to get rid of this thing?'

Once I was having lunch in a fancy restaurant with Lily Tomlin and Richard Pryor. We were all struggling comics together and the day we had lunch, any one of us could have picked up the check. That's when I knew I'd made it.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.