Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 3

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

I hate the term 'partner.' 'Yes, we're partners... This is my life partner, Teddy.' Jacoby & Meyers are partners. Ben & Jerry are partners. Bausch + Lomb are partners. You and Teddy are fuck-buddies.

Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it to be true.

My parents just didn't like me. Till I was 9, my mother was trying to get an abortion. That sticks with you. That hurts. She said to her doctor, 'Is there any possible way to get rid of this thing?'

Once I was having lunch in a fancy restaurant with Lily Tomlin and Richard Pryor. We were all struggling comics together and the day we had lunch, any one of us could have picked up the check. That's when I knew I'd made it.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.