Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 4

I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I've always hate child stars, starting from way back when, when I was a child. The first child star I saw was Shirley Temple. She was six years old, two foot six and the biggest star in Hollywood. She wore ribbons in her hair, and frilly little pinafores and shiny patent-leather tap shoes - just like the boys in Glee do.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.

I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's 'Believe It or Not' and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate'. For me that would be a shroud.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.