Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 4

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's 'Believe It or Not' and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

He who limps is still walking.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate'. For me that would be a shroud.