Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 4

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's 'Believe It or Not' and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'

The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

He who limps is still walking.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.