Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 4
The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.
If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's 'Believe It or Not' and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'
I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.
Victoria Beckham is so nasty, why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate'. For me that would be a shroud.
I've always hate child stars, starting from way back when, when I was a child. The first child star I saw was Shirley Temple. She was six years old, two foot six and the biggest star in Hollywood. She wore ribbons in her hair, and frilly little pinafores and shiny patent-leather tap shoes - just like the boys in Glee do.
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
I tried to contact Johnny to reconcile our friendship, a million times, but he just wasn't having it. When he passed away, I felt such a crushing blow, that things were still unresolved. Johnny was a dear friend, I wish things would've ended different, this just was not worth it.