Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 4

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate'. For me that would be a shroud.

I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's 'Believe It or Not' and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

He who limps is still walking.

I've always hate child stars, starting from way back when, when I was a child. The first child star I saw was Shirley Temple. She was six years old, two foot six and the biggest star in Hollywood. She wore ribbons in her hair, and frilly little pinafores and shiny patent-leather tap shoes - just like the boys in Glee do.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.