Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 6

There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

May a sacred cow leave a night deposit in your front yard.

I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.

I wanted the show to make the most of being the last area of television that the medium originally was supposed to be - live, immediate entertainment. I decided the best thing I could do was forget trying to do a lot of pre-planning. It all boiled down to just going out there and being my natural self and seeing what would happen.

I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.

To this day I can't get aroused until I see a pair of rubber dice hanging from the mirror.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"

I think it would be a fatal mistake to use my show as a platform for controversial issues. I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Ed and I were out last night and I asked him why he drank so much. He said he drank to forget. I asked him, "To forget what?" And he said he couldn't remember.