Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 5

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry - that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three-Mile Island.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

I can empathize with President George Bush. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, a glittering two hours of entertainment, spread out over four hours. For those of you taping this on Betamax, you're under arrest.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

May a tse tse fly bite you where it counts.

Only lie about the future.

I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.

And then mommy's lawyer does to daddy what daddy was doing to the nurse.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.