Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 5

I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

I can empathize with President George Bush. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry - that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three-Mile Island.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, a glittering two hours of entertainment, spread out over four hours. For those of you taping this on Betamax, you're under arrest.

May a tse tse fly bite you where it counts.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.

There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."

May a sacred cow leave a night deposit in your front yard.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

And then mommy's lawyer does to daddy what daddy was doing to the nurse.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.