Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 12

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a "with" in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.

Because sometimes ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX NEWS, MSNBC, CNN, HEADLINE NEWS, CSPAN, and CSPAN 2 just aren't enough.

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.

I always knew I shouldn't have said that.

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.

That is amazing! I mean these CEOs saying their own businesses are doing OK! I mean, it makes sense to take these CEOs word for it. For instance, I know O.J. Simpson. He told me he didn't kill anyone and he should know, he was there!

The currency of this show is your own head. They've established a certain structure here, but it's still in evolution.

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.