Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 12
They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.'
If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.
Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.
The currency of this show is your own head. They've established a certain structure here, but it's still in evolution.
At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It's not going to be like, 'I really want to do The Daily Show and I'd love to turn it into an abstract musical.' I like the format and the chance to satirize the news.
I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.
More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.
Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.
That is amazing! I mean these CEOs saying their own businesses are doing OK! I mean, it makes sense to take these CEOs word for it. For instance, I know O.J. Simpson. He told me he didn't kill anyone and he should know, he was there!
We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.