Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 13
Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of a freak has 1,000 pages of medical records.
Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone. The trick is to have enough wherewithal to follow through with what you want to do with it and give it time to evolve.
High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you're looking to stay awake.
In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can't get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.
Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children’s television PBS is on the house.
We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.
When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.
He's not stupid ... he's not a retarded man ... he just doesn't give a shit about you, or anything.
There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.
I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic.