Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 14

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.

He's not stupid ... he's not a retarded man ... he just doesn't give a shit about you, or anything.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who as we all know before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

This show is our own personal beliefs.

It's the inevitable consummation of this largely manufactured battle between a man who makes people laugh for a living and whatever people think I do. In a televised, two-part hatefuck that is, by all measure, bound to dissapoint anyone that's been following it. Catch the fever!

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.

Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.