Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 15

Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children’s television PBS is on the house.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

This show is our own personal beliefs.