Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 16
I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.
The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart.
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.
We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.
I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!
Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.
Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?
I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.
Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just - the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'