Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 16
I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
Yes! Finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the American public by such companies as Enron, Global Crossing, Tyco and Adelphia, we finally got the ringleader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.
If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.
A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.
The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.
Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.
I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.
Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'