Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 17

We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay.

Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.

The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart.

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

You never hear a woman say, 'Hey, lets go to balls.'

Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?

When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.