Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 17

Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: don't stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay.

Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?

The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart.

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.

You never hear a woman say, 'Hey, lets go to balls.'

Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.

I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.