Kevin James Quotes and Jokes

47 quotes

Let go of the damn door! Sit your ass on the kerb, I will come around and let ya in!

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

My fitness goals are different than most peoples. Most people want to lose enough weight so they look good in a bathing suit or they want to lower their cholesterol. I just want to lose enough so my stomach doesn't jiggle when I brush my teeth.

Love the questions at the airport because they make you feel real intelligent. "Sir, do you know what's in your luggage?" "No. I tied a sock around my eyes and packed with my feet. I'm thinking hot dogs and gunpowder."

I went water skiing and I found out that I scream the exact same if a great white attacks me... or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I'm not a gay man, but I will say this: I get it now. I know what all the hype is about.

How big are muffins going to get before we all join hands across America? Have you seen them? They're huge. "Yeah, I'll take a coffee and... Oh, my God! Yeah, I'll have the beanbag chair with raisins."

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.

There, there's your skin-flap. That piece that looks like my ass caught fire and somebody put it out with an old t-shirt is yours.

The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holister.

I've always been the guy who doesn't necessarily get it with women. A woman would have to say, 'I like you, I want to go out with you, you can ask me.' And still I would question it. Did she mean it?

You know, when you're a fat guy you don't need a reason to sweat. Guys come up to me and go "Jeez... what have you been doing - jumping rope in the attic or something?" "Umm, no... I peeled an orange about an hour ago, why?"

Now I'm starting to jog. But every time I do jog I have 9-1 pressed into my phone, with the next '1' ready to be launched in case I drop.

I took a public speaking class in college and managed to make the class laugh a little bit.

I know De Niro, you know, it's all famous that he packed on 60 pounds for Raging Bull, but ah, he just did it for one movie, I do that for every movie.