Kevin James Quotes and Jokes

47 quotes

Let go of the damn door! Sit your ass on the kerb, I will come around and let ya in!

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

Love the questions at the airport because they make you feel real intelligent. "Sir, do you know what's in your luggage?" "No. I tied a sock around my eyes and packed with my feet. I'm thinking hot dogs and gunpowder."

My fitness goals are different than most peoples. Most people want to lose enough weight so they look good in a bathing suit or they want to lower their cholesterol. I just want to lose enough so my stomach doesn't jiggle when I brush my teeth.

I went water skiing and I found out that I scream the exact same if a great white attacks me... or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.

I'm not a gay man, but I will say this: I get it now. I know what all the hype is about.

How big are muffins going to get before we all join hands across America? Have you seen them? They're huge. "Yeah, I'll take a coffee and... Oh, my God! Yeah, I'll have the beanbag chair with raisins."

There, there's your skin-flap. That piece that looks like my ass caught fire and somebody put it out with an old t-shirt is yours.

As American as an apple is and as American as baseball is, they don't go together. You can't be chewing an apple at a baseball game. You've got to let go of the diet that day.

The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holister.

Teachers have a chance to mold someone, inspire them. I hope all teachers realize that.

I've always been the guy who doesn't necessarily get it with women. A woman would have to say, 'I like you, I want to go out with you, you can ask me.' And still I would question it. Did she mean it?

I took a public speaking class in college and managed to make the class laugh a little bit.

For some reason and I don't know why, but I don't think that I'm funny in California. So I always want to do my movies east somewhere.