Kevin James Quotes and Jokes

47 quotes

Let go of the damn door! Sit your ass on the kerb, I will come around and let ya in!

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

Love the questions at the airport because they make you feel real intelligent. "Sir, do you know what's in your luggage?" "No. I tied a sock around my eyes and packed with my feet. I'm thinking hot dogs and gunpowder."

I went water skiing and I found out that I scream the exact same if a great white attacks me... or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

My fitness goals are different than most peoples. Most people want to lose enough weight so they look good in a bathing suit or they want to lower their cholesterol. I just want to lose enough so my stomach doesn't jiggle when I brush my teeth.

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.

I'm not a gay man, but I will say this: I get it now. I know what all the hype is about.

How big are muffins going to get before we all join hands across America? Have you seen them? They're huge. "Yeah, I'll take a coffee and... Oh, my God! Yeah, I'll have the beanbag chair with raisins."

There, there's your skin-flap. That piece that looks like my ass caught fire and somebody put it out with an old t-shirt is yours.

My favorite movie of all time is 'Rocky.'

The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holister.

As American as an apple is and as American as baseball is, they don't go together. You can't be chewing an apple at a baseball game. You've got to let go of the diet that day.

Teachers have a chance to mold someone, inspire them. I hope all teachers realize that.

I've always been the guy who doesn't necessarily get it with women. A woman would have to say, 'I like you, I want to go out with you, you can ask me.' And still I would question it. Did she mean it?

I took a public speaking class in college and managed to make the class laugh a little bit.