Quotes & Jokes by Lenny Bruce / page 2

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.

The whole motivation for any performer is "Look at me, Ma".

What is dirty? And what is clean? Now, if I had to make a choice, man, I would rather my kid watch a stag movie than a clean movie like King of Kings. Why? Because King of Kings is full of killing and I don't want my kid to kill Christ when he comes back.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

Communism is like one big phone company.

Life is a four-letter word.

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is.