Lenny Bruce Quotes and Jokes

51 quotes

Marijuana will be legal someday, because the many law students who now smoke pot will one day be Congressmen and they will legalize it to protect themselves. I don't smoke pot, and I'm glad because then I can champion it without any special pleading. The reason I don't smoke pot is because it facilitates ideas and heightens sensations - and I got enough shit flying through my head without smoking pot.

Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.

Liberals will buy anything a bigot writes. In fact, they really support hate mongers. George Lincoln Rockwell, the leader of the American Nazi Party is probably a very knowledgeable businessman with no political convictions what so ever. He gets three bucks a head and works the mass rallies consisting of nothing but angry Jews, shaking their fists and wondering why there are so many Jews there. And Rockwell probably has only two real followers - and they're deaf. They think the swastika is merely an Aztec symbol.

It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

If you can't say "Fuck" you can't say, "Fuck the government."

Let me tell you the truth. The truth is what is, and what should be is a fantasy. A terrible, terrible lie that someone gave to the people long ago.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

Children ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood.

Communism is like one big phone company.

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do...."

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!

You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.

Today's comedian has a cross to bear that he built himself. A comedian of the older generation did an ''act'' and he told the audience, ''This is my act.'' Today's comic is not doing an act. The audience assumes he's telling the truth. What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.