Quotes & Jokes by Lenny Bruce / page 4

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do...."

When you're eight years old nothing is your business.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

I want to perform an unnatural act.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

A lot of people say to me, “Why did you kill Christ?” I dunno… it was one of those parties that got out of hand.