Louie Anderson Quotes and Jokes

22 quotes

My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up.

I felt ashamed for what I had done. I don't have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldn't pawn this off on anybody. I'm sorry it happened. And I hurt people.

Dr. Phil was very helpful and caring. I believe he helped all of us there and watching how to better relate, understand, and communicate with our families and loved ones. Dr. Phil recommended reading my new book.

I live in California, the worst place in the world for fat people. There are three of us. They have us on eight-hour shifts, so it works out.

I'm going to be talking about food, being fat, and being over 50 - all the 'F' words.

I have a cousin Ernie who buys stuff. He's got a big snowblower that's actually the biggest snowblower you can buy, with a remote control, so he doesn't even have to go outside. He's got the microwave and a satellite dish, it's all in one. He cooks and watches at the same time.

My inspiration is coming more and more from the way I feel and the gratitude I feel. The older you get the more humility you have.

It's so much easier to be cynical.

After 34 years, I feel like I did when I was starting out. I feel excited and feel I've never been better doing what I do.

I have added a lot. There's some Vegas stuff and hotel stuff and a whole chunk on health.

Credit-card debt and day trading-I feel like Michael Corleone in Godfather III, just when I think out, they pull me back in.

My first words were "Seconds, please". Most kids in kindergarten napped on a little rug. I had a braided 9x12.

You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family.

We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that.

We all think we're going to get out of debt.