Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 2

Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes!

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren’t included.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year’s it flew away.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!".

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

Valentine’s Day – a nice holiday because it’s the first day of the rest of your wife.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

I had a great Christmas. I received a lot of presents I can’t wait to exchange.

On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.