Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 2

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.

Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes!

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren’t included.

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

Valentine’s Day – a nice holiday because it’s the first day of the rest of your wife.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

I had a great Christmas. I received a lot of presents I can’t wait to exchange.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

I remember the first time I met Cynthia it was at the beach. I was digging for clams and I came up with her.

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I remember every one of your insulting jokes... I use them later.

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.