Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 2

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes!

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren’t included.

Valentine’s Day – a nice holiday because it’s the first day of the rest of your wife.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

I had a great Christmas. I received a lot of presents I can’t wait to exchange.

I remember every one of your insulting jokes... I use them later.

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!".