Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 3
I remember the first time I met Cynthia it was at the beach. I was digging for clams and I came up with her.
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
Remember those magical nights Cynthia... we would dance cheek to cheek. I'd rub my stubble against yours.
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, “Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.” That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.