Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 3
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!".
Remember those magical nights Cynthia... we would dance cheek to cheek. I'd rub my stubble against yours.
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, “Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.” That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?