Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 3

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

I remember every one of your insulting jokes... I use them later.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, “Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.” That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

I remember the first time I met Cynthia it was at the beach. I was digging for clams and I came up with her.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Remember those magical nights Cynthia... we would dance cheek to cheek. I'd rub my stubble against yours.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong.