Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 3

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I remember every one of your insulting jokes... I use them later.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, “Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.” That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

I remember the first time I met Cynthia it was at the beach. I was digging for clams and I came up with her.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was.

In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong.

Remember those magical nights Cynthia... we would dance cheek to cheek. I'd rub my stubble against yours.