Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 8

She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine’s Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

That's a vicious rumour! A rumour started by a few million people.

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.