Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 7
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, “Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year.”
Remember that night you did that oriental cooch-cooch; the cops came and threw you in the can-can.
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.
War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
How proud you were when they named you America's best... then you found out they meant America's beast!
I always wanted to write a book about you Cynthia, but somebody beat me to it. He wrote The Hounds of Baskervilles.
All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?
An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.