Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 7

You look like something the dog just buried in the backyard and is trying to forget where.

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.

How proud you were when they named you America's best... then you found out they meant America's beast!

I always wanted to write a book about you Cynthia, but somebody beat me to it. He wrote The Hounds of Baskervilles.

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

Valentine’s Day is like Armistice Day – you declare a truce.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.