Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 7

That is not a Bob Hope joke! That is a no hope joke.

Remember that night you did that oriental cooch-cooch; the cops came and threw you in the can-can.

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?

How proud you were when they named you America's best... then you found out they meant America's beast!

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

I always wanted to write a book about you Cynthia, but somebody beat me to it. He wrote The Hounds of Baskervilles.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

Valentine’s Day is like Armistice Day – you declare a truce.

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I’d told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.