Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 7

You look like something the dog just buried in the backyard and is trying to forget where.

That is not a Bob Hope joke! That is a no hope joke.

My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

How proud you were when they named you America's best... then you found out they meant America's beast!

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.

I always wanted to write a book about you Cynthia, but somebody beat me to it. He wrote The Hounds of Baskervilles.

Valentine’s Day is like Armistice Day – you declare a truce.

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.