Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 7

Remember that night you did that oriental cooch-cooch; the cops came and threw you in the can-can.

That is not a Bob Hope joke! That is a no hope joke.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.

How proud you were when they named you America's best... then you found out they meant America's beast!

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

I always wanted to write a book about you Cynthia, but somebody beat me to it. He wrote The Hounds of Baskervilles.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.

Valentine’s Day is like Armistice Day – you declare a truce.

She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.