Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 14
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.
I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"
I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."