Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 14
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.
I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.
I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.