Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 13
I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.