Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 13

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.