Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 13
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.