Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 2

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"

I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.

I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities. I like to call them "places to put stuff." Do you know where I can store a pea? Yes, I have some locations available.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I love my FedEx guy 'cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell, "Fore!" I was too busy yelling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!"

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"