Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 3

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green." Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating, then help 'em.

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That's crazy. That would knock you on your butt.

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.