Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 5

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it -- build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.