Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 5

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it -- build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.