Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 5

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it -- build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”