Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 5

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it -- build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.