Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 6

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I got my hair highlighted because I felt that some strands were more important than others.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"