Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 6
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”