Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 6

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.