Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 6

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.