Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 6
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt that some strands were more important than others.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.