Quotes & Jokes by Mort Sahl / page 3

I met this girl... very aggressively... I just walked up to her and I said "Who are you? I have to know who you are." It's a good opener, but you can't sustain that level of excitement. Later on chicks start complaining the relationship doesn't have that much drive anymore. You have to remind them, "I'm the guy who ran up and said "Who are you?" And they always say "Well, you never do that anymore." And you have to say "Yes, and I still don't know who you are.

We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man.

I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance. With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?

Everything I tell you is true, but this is factual.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.

I’m for capital punishment. You’ve got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?

Bush is the face on the can. But who canned that soup?

I found people looked better when they laughed.

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.

Those who learn nothing from history are condemned to rewrite it.

I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.

The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.

You know what I want you to do? I want you to blow out the candle and curse the darkness.