Quotes & Jokes by Mort Sahl / page 3

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - except the drone.

I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance. With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?

We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man.

I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.

I’m for capital punishment. You’ve got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?

Everything I tell you is true, but this is factual.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

Bush is the face on the can. But who canned that soup?

I found people looked better when they laughed.

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.

I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.

Those who learn nothing from history are condemned to rewrite it.

You know what I want you to do? I want you to blow out the candle and curse the darkness.

'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.