Quotes & Jokes by Mort Sahl / page 3

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - except the drone.

I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance. With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?

We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man.

I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

Everything I tell you is true, but this is factual.

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

Bush is the face on the can. But who canned that soup?

The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

I found people looked better when they laughed.

I’m for capital punishment. You’ve got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?

The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.

I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.

Those who learn nothing from history are condemned to rewrite it.