Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 2
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch."
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Do not taste food while you’re cooking... you may lose your nerve to eat it.
When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.