Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 2
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch."
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Do not taste food while you’re cooking... you may lose your nerve to eat it.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.