Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 12

175 quotes

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

If it weren’t for my adam’s apple, I’d have no shape at all.

The only way I can get Fang out of bed in the morning is to wear a black dress and a veil, and sit on the edge of his bed and cry.

It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.

I was sort of tricked into marrying. One night I was out with Fang and a girl said, “You better hand on to him.” I thought I had a prize. I didn’t know she meant that after one drink he falls down.

I’ll tell you what I don’t like about Christmas office parties: looking for a new job afterward.

I never made “Who’s Who” but I’m featured in “What’s That?”