Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 12

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.

Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.

I was sort of tricked into marrying. One night I was out with Fang and a girl said, “You better hand on to him.” I thought I had a prize. I didn’t know she meant that after one drink he falls down.

I’ll tell you what I don’t like about Christmas office parties: looking for a new job afterward.

I never made “Who’s Who” but I’m featured in “What’s That?”