Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 11
Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."
The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.
No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'
I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.
The only way I can get Fang out of bed in the morning is to wear a black dress and a veil, and sit on the edge of his bed and cry.