Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 11

Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.

I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.