Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 11

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.

It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'

I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"