Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 11

I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.

I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime rate.

I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.

When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.

Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"