Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 11

I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"