Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 11

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.

Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.