Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 11

I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.

Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"