Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 11

I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime rate.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.