Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 11
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime rate.
The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.
It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.
No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"