Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 3

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Fang had a terrible accident. He found a job.

I went into a lingerie department one day and I said to the lady, 'I'd like to see something in a bra,' and she said, 'I bet you would!'

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.