Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 3

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Fang had a terrible accident. He found a job.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Fang will not go on a picnic. He says we have the whole thing at home: bugs, dirt, tainted food. At our last picnic we wanted to play horseshoes, but his mother refused to go barefoot.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

I went into a lingerie department one day and I said to the lady, 'I'd like to see something in a bra,' and she said, 'I bet you would!'

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'