Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 3

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Fang had a terrible accident. He found a job.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

I went into a lingerie department one day and I said to the lady, 'I'd like to see something in a bra,' and she said, 'I bet you would!'

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Fang will not go on a picnic. He says we have the whole thing at home: bugs, dirt, tainted food. At our last picnic we wanted to play horseshoes, but his mother refused to go barefoot.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.