Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 3

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Fang had a terrible accident. He found a job.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Fang will not go on a picnic. He says we have the whole thing at home: bugs, dirt, tainted food. At our last picnic we wanted to play horseshoes, but his mother refused to go barefoot.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

I went into a lingerie department one day and I said to the lady, 'I'd like to see something in a bra,' and she said, 'I bet you would!'

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'