123 quotes

Julius Caesar’s wife, who said to Julius, "We are not naming our son Sid!" Never got a dinner!

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Saint Christopher, who said, "Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal?" Never got a dinner!

Ray Charles, who said to Stevie Wonder, "Maybe we're white." Never got a dinner!

Rip Van Winkle, who said, "Don't make the bed; I'm just going to the bathroom." Never got a dinner!

Joanne Carson, who said to Johnny, "Not so fast: what about the loose change in your pockets?" Never got a dinner!

Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!

An Orthodox Jewish vampire, who was so Kosher that he wouldn't suck a neck unless it was salted first. Never got a dinner!

Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds." Never got a dinner!

Adam, who said to Eve, "What do you mean you have nothing to wear?" Never got a dinner!

E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, "You look weird." Never got a dinner!

Abraham Lincoln, who said, "A house divided... is a condominium." Never got a dinner!

The last time I heard booing like that was when I was doing my act.

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

Jack the Ripper’s mother, who said to Jack, "How come I never see you with the same girl twice? " Never got a dinner!

Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello.

Nostradamus, who predicted that Billy Bailey would not come home. Never got a dinner!

Joseph Cotten, who said, "You know how I got my name? Sammy Davis picked it for me." Never got a dinner!

Pope John Paul II’s press secretary, who said, "See, if only the Pope were Italian, he woulda shot back!" Never got a dinner!

Sophia Loren, whose new baby asked her, "Is all that for me?" Never got a dinner!

Lee Iacocca, who said to Dolly Parton, "Why do you need an airbag?" Never got a dinner!

Noah’s wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, "It’s your turn to spread the papers on the floor!" Never got a dinner!

Elizabeth Taylor, who recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way. Never got a dinner!

Dr. Spock, who said, "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." Never got a dinner!

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Gary Hart, who said, "She didn't sit on my yacht; she sat on my dinghy!" Never got a dinner!

Helen of Troy, a hooker from Upstate New York. Never got a dinner!

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