Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 2
As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.
My family wasn’t very religious. On Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.
New Year's Eve never made sense to me because of the fear I suddenly had about the following minute.
I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.
I was prescribed an anti-biotic that had over 44 million possible side effects including a desire to kidnap.
When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, "make a death-wish and blow out the candles."
On New Year's Eve, people in New Jersey stay up 'til midnight and watch their hopes drop.
Most of my family were nuts. My mother gave my sister's dolls polio shots.
We ran out of classical music - that's how long this wedding went on.
I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.