Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 3

I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.

I'm so disgusted by feeling disgusted I've decided to accept it.

I find masturbation to be too intimate quite frankly. In fact, I won’t even masturbate unless I promise myself to take myself afterwards out to a dinner and a film. Which is sad.

One of the pluses of being married with no kids is that my wife can have more free time after she tucks me in.

In my teens my folks used a drone look-alike kite to see if I was masturbating too much.

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

Little kids ask questions every second. She must have asked a thousand questions in one block, and finally, I panicked. She went, 'What are those clouds made of?' I'm an idiot anyway - I go, 'Steam from a hot dog.'

People judge you because they have no faith in themselves.

Experience tells me that if I could watch my own back I wouldn't.

I lied to my shrink today. I told her the truth.

There is nothing wrong with having a positive attitude as long as it doesn't bug you.

When I die I've decided to cremate any night club owner or promoter who is still alive.

I can't shop for young kids. My good friends are angry at me because I bought their 5 yr-old a boy a "scene of the accident" coloring book.

I usually meet people at my doctors' offices because I go all the time. It's embarrassing. Like at the skin doctor last week, in the lobby, the nurse said, 'Hi Mr. Lewis. Do you still have that rash on your behind?'

Don't let morons judge you... Do what I do... I moronically judge myself first and get it over with... But on my watch.