Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 3

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

In my teens my folks used a drone look-alike kite to see if I was masturbating too much.

I can't shop for young kids. My good friends are angry at me because I bought their 5 yr-old a boy a "scene of the accident" coloring book.

I'm so disgusted by feeling disgusted I've decided to accept it.

I find masturbation to be too intimate quite frankly. In fact, I won’t even masturbate unless I promise myself to take myself afterwards out to a dinner and a film. Which is sad.

Comedy is hard. Complaining is easy.

Sobriety worked for me but I have so much clarity now I hate myself even more.

People judge you because they have no faith in themselves.

Experience tells me that if I could watch my own back I wouldn't.

Little kids ask questions every second. She must have asked a thousand questions in one block, and finally, I panicked. She went, 'What are those clouds made of?' I'm an idiot anyway - I go, 'Steam from a hot dog.'

I lied to my shrink today. I told her the truth.

There is nothing wrong with having a positive attitude as long as it doesn't bug you.

When I die I've decided to cremate any night club owner or promoter who is still alive.

Don't let morons judge you... Do what I do... I moronically judge myself first and get it over with... But on my watch.

Before I have masturbation, I say to myself, 'Break a leg.' While I masturbate, I actually fantasize that I'm somebody else. In fact, if I do it in different rooms, I actually feel that I'm cheating on myself - which is sad.