Quotes & Jokes by Rita Rudner / page 3

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I started off as a ballerina. I had to quit ballet after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Men and women we look at movie so differently. Men look at how much money is spent. Women look at how much money is saved. If it just cost $300 and if I get it for $150 what have I done ladies? Saved $150. Of course. My husband thinks I’ve spent $150. What’s it like in there?

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attrat men? Men don’t like flowers. I wear a scent called “new-car interior.”