Quotes & Jokes by Rita Rudner / page 3
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
I started off as a ballerina. I had to quit ballet after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.
Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attrat men? Men don’t like flowers. I wear a scent called “new-car interior.”