Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 2

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, "Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it." Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."