Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 2
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. "What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight."
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!
When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.