Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 2
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'
Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.