Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 2

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. "What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight."

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.