Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 2

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!

I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, "Everyone's got their tale of woe," and then turning around and saying, "Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail."