Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 2
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, "Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it." Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!
When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.