Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 2
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, "Everyone's got their tale of woe," and then turning around and saying, "Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail."
I had this joke: "I played hide and seek; they wouldn't even look for me". To make it work better, you look for something to put in front of it: "I was so poor, I was so dumb", so this, so that. I thought, "Now what fits that joke?" Well, "No one liked me" was all right. But then I thought, "A more profound thing would be, 'I get no respect!' ".
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.