Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 3
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.
I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.