Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 3
One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. "What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight."
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.
I had this joke: "I played hide and seek; they wouldn't even look for me". To make it work better, you look for something to put in front of it: "I was so poor, I was so dumb", so this, so that. I thought, "Now what fits that joke?" Well, "No one liked me" was all right. But then I thought, "A more profound thing would be, 'I get no respect!' ".
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, "Everyone's got their tale of woe," and then turning around and saying, "Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail."
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".