Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 3
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.
After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, "Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it." Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
I had this joke: "I played hide and seek; they wouldn't even look for me". To make it work better, you look for something to put in front of it: "I was so poor, I was so dumb", so this, so that. I thought, "Now what fits that joke?" Well, "No one liked me" was all right. But then I thought, "A more profound thing would be, 'I get no respect!' ".
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, "Everyone's got their tale of woe," and then turning around and saying, "Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail."