Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 3
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
I had this joke: "I played hide and seek; they wouldn't even look for me". To make it work better, you look for something to put in front of it: "I was so poor, I was so dumb", so this, so that. I thought, "Now what fits that joke?" Well, "No one liked me" was all right. But then I thought, "A more profound thing would be, 'I get no respect!' ".
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, "Everyone's got their tale of woe," and then turning around and saying, "Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail."
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.
When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.