Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 3
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.
I had this joke: "I played hide and seek; they wouldn't even look for me". To make it work better, you look for something to put in front of it: "I was so poor, I was so dumb", so this, so that. I thought, "Now what fits that joke?" Well, "No one liked me" was all right. But then I thought, "A more profound thing would be, 'I get no respect!' ".
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.
When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.