Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 3
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. "What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight."
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, "Everyone's got their tale of woe," and then turning around and saying, "Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail."
I had this joke: "I played hide and seek; they wouldn't even look for me". To make it work better, you look for something to put in front of it: "I was so poor, I was so dumb", so this, so that. I thought, "Now what fits that joke?" Well, "No one liked me" was all right. But then I thought, "A more profound thing would be, 'I get no respect!' ".
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".