Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 3

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."

My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. "What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight."