Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 29

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

I tell you, in my house I can never relax. I got a dog. His favorite bone is in my arm.