Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 29

I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

I tell you, in my house I can never relax. I got a dog. His favorite bone is in my arm.