Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 28
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"
My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.
My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.
I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!
And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".