Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 28

I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!