Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 28
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.
My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"
My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.
My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!