Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 28

And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!