Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 28

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"

My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".