Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 28
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!
I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!