Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 28

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.

I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".

I was a poster child... for birth control!

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.