Quotes & Jokes by Roseanne Barr / page 2

82 quotes

Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

There's nothing like a hardship song to set my toes a-tappin.

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.

Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5.

Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.

Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?

They're all mine... Of course, I'd trade any one of them for a dishwasher.

I hate the word housewife; I don't like the word home-maker either. I want to be called Domestic Goddess.

In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open.''

In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.

Well it`s been a few years now and I`ve done some crazy stuff, you know... but I reconnected with what made me famous, with that show and that family, and I went back to my stand-up where I can be myself completely.