Quotes & Jokes by Roseanne Barr / page 3

Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered: "Hey, why not you Roseanne?" Indeed, why not each of us?

I had left home like all Jewish girls in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband I was swept away by the passion (so dormant inside myself) of a long and tortured existence. The physical cravings I had tried so hard to deny finally and ultimately sated... but enough about the pork.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

In America, if we're speaking truth, women are called bitches. I seek next Mother's Day a march of one million American bitches who can get the job done, the job of getting the food to the hungry and thereby saving our rich American friends and neighbors from going straight to hell and burning there for all of eternity.

The world makes you into a bitch, no matter how quietly you go, so you may as well go kicking and screaming.

I'm only upset that I'm not a widow.

I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.

Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!

'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.

Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California I have to go to prison don't I? I think you only get three.