Quotes & Jokes by Roseanne Barr / page 3
They're all mine... Of course, I'd trade any one of them for a dishwasher.
You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.
I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.
I hate the word housewife; I don't like the word home-maker either. I want to be called Domestic Goddess.
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.'
If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!
I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California I have to go to prison don't I? I think you only get three.
I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.