Quotes & Jokes by Roseanne Barr / page 3

They're all mine... Of course, I'd trade any one of them for a dishwasher.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

I hate the word housewife; I don't like the word home-maker either. I want to be called Domestic Goddess.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.

The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.'

The world makes you into a bitch, no matter how quietly you go, so you may as well go kicking and screaming.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!

I'm only upset that I'm not a widow.

I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.