Quotes & Jokes by Roseanne Barr / page 3
They're all mine... Of course, I'd trade any one of them for a dishwasher.
You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.
My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
I hate the word housewife; I don't like the word home-maker either. I want to be called Domestic Goddess.
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.'
If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.
Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.
I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California I have to go to prison don't I? I think you only get three.