Quotes & Jokes by Roseanne Barr / page 3
My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.
Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered: "Hey, why not you Roseanne?" Indeed, why not each of us?
I had left home like all Jewish girls in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband I was swept away by the passion (so dormant inside myself) of a long and tortured existence. The physical cravings I had tried so hard to deny finally and ultimately sated... but enough about the pork.
In America, if we're speaking truth, women are called bitches. I seek next Mother's Day a march of one million American bitches who can get the job done, the job of getting the food to the hungry and thereby saving our rich American friends and neighbors from going straight to hell and burning there for all of eternity.
Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!
You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California I have to go to prison don't I? I think you only get three.
The world makes you into a bitch, no matter how quietly you go, so you may as well go kicking and screaming.
The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.'
I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.