Quotes & Jokes by Roseanne Barr / page 5

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!

Everything that`s written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don`t think there`s anything I can do to stop it.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

As Prime Minister of Israel I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

Let's take back the real estate between our ears and get green like a son of a bitch.

I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

Vote for me. I’m not a liar. I’m not a thief. I’m not a whore. And I’m not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.

The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.

I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn`t have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.

As long as your abuser has you scared, you will stay in the cycle of abuse. Thinking of solutions helps you to escape.