Quotes & Jokes by Roseanne Barr / page 5

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

Everything that`s written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don`t think there`s anything I can do to stop it.

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!

Let's take back the real estate between our ears and get green like a son of a bitch.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

Vote for me. I’m not a liar. I’m not a thief. I’m not a whore. And I’m not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.

As Prime Minister of Israel I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.

As long as your abuser has you scared, you will stay in the cycle of abuse. Thinking of solutions helps you to escape.

I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn`t have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.