Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 2

I’m going to court next week I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case, 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant.

Last night, I was in a restaurant called Bulimia's. The line for the bathroom was incredible.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him "There, now you're done."

I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.